“Looking after” the house.

8 March 2016.

Since coming out of hospital in September, Proton has been living in the shed. But it had to happen sooner or later, she would have to visit her house.

Strangeness and Quark had been asked on several occasions as to whether they were keeping on top of things and both assured her that they were keeping the place tidy.

Recently Strangeness had managed to get a free journey to visit Charm and their grandmother in the country. It takes a lot to get Strangeness to wake up and move and when he does he stays put wherever he stops. So after 2 weeks he is still asleep at his grandmothers, leaving Quark alone to his own devices.

Spring is in the air so Proton & Electron decide to move some of her winter bedding (all those cushions!) back to her house. Proton rings her house to warn Quark of her imminent appearance , the car is loaded up to the gunnels and the two of them set off.

gollum Q1On arrival they cannot turn the key in the front door. This means Quark has left his keys in the lock on the inside. Proton rings the doorbell and shouts through the letter box. No response. The phone inside is ringing incessantly. Electron begins to hammer hard on the door then looks through the window into the living room. The room is piled high with speakers and electrical equipment and then suddenly Quark appears at the window. He deigns to let them in.

The door opens and it is obvious that he is totally out of it, looks like he hasn’t eaten for days and has difficulty in forming coherent sentences. He looks like Gollum. In the centre of the hallway is a large ancient wooden cupboard unit blocking access to the rest of the house. For fucks sake Quark! shouts Electron, yeah for fargggs sayg repeats Quark sarcastically. At the top of the stairs is a wicker chair that doesn’t belong to the house teetering on the edge of the flight. Further investigation beyond the chair indicates that tiles have fallen off of the bathroom wall, these of course have been left where they fell …….. in the bath.

Cigarette/joint butts litter the floor throughout. The kitchen of course is piled high with dirty dishes and welded on food. The recently purchased brand new cooker looks about 20 years old. There is a plastic bag of what were once frozen chips on the table. Uncooked. Quark makes some space on a dining chair for Proton. She sits down and weeps inconsolably.

The phone still unanswered finally stops ringing.

Quark begins to apologise for the mess but says he cannot understand why it is so bad. He swears that it was fine when Proton spoke to him on the phone 2 hours earlier. Apparently this has all happened since then.

The phone begins to ring again,”Why won’t you answer the phone!” Proton shrieks. “Not now”, he replies and runs out of the house.

He returns 20minutes later and sits down next to Proton now on the garden bench outside the front of her house, leans back and almost overturns the two of them onto the concrete behind. “For fucks sake Quark! I have fractured vertebrae in my back I don’t want another one!”

Still incoherent, Quark is instructed that the house must be cleaned and tidied from top to bottom and that they will revisit in a few weeks time to inspect the place. If Quark were a tenant he would be in the process of being evicted.

Proton and Electron cannot wait to leave, as they do so, the phone begins to ring again.

Quark disappears back inside the rapidly degenerating house.


Christmas Plans

Wednesday 23rd December

alc drug free

The stench of Protons house is still exuding from the reclining swivel chair which now resides in Electrons living room.

Charm has returned to her Grandmother and there has been no sign of the “boys”.
Both have been invited to stay with grandmother for Xmas and Proton wants to find out if this is what will be happening.
She calls her house but there is no reply. She calls Quarks mobile but there is no reply. She calls Charm.

“Hello mum. No I don’t know if they are coming for Xmas. Strangeness is still away in the country. I can’t get hold of Quark either. I gave him a new sim as he had broken the old one but he doesn’t appear to have used it.”

Ending the phone call Proton states “We must go over there”.
“Something could have happened to him”.
“He is probably high as a kite somewhere”
“Please take me to my house”.

No point in arguing.

They arrive at the house.
There is an upturned coffee table leaning against the outside wall next to the front door, through the lounge window they can see Strangeness playing video games.
They enter the still  reeking house.
“Hello!” shouts Proton.
A very stoned Strangeness comes out of the living room.
“Have you been here long”
“Not long”
“Where is Quark?”
“”Quick, check his room for me”
Strangeness shrugs and ambles upstairs to the black hole that is Quarks room.
“Not here” he reports.

Foolishly Proton enters the kitchen.
“Strangeness! Please can you do something about this mess.”
It is obvious that Quark stopped cleaning as soon as they had left the house a few days earlier.

Proton informs Strangeness that it is no good him and Quark blaming each other for the mess and thus nothing happening.
Strangeness mutters in agreement. She also informs him that there will be no Christmas money for either of them this year.
“I don’t want you spending it on booze and getting drunk and fighting with Quark like last year. And I don’t want Quark spending it on drugs”.
“Ummmm. OK”.

At last a semblance of confronting the facts by Proton.

Strangeness states that he cannot be bothered with christmas so will not be visiting his grandmother. Probably just sleep through it.

It later transpires that Quark was intending to visit his gran. A friend of Charm had arranged to drive him. But first Quark had to visit a “friend” on the outskirts of town near where Strangeness has his unlived in flat. Quark entered the “friends” house. After 45 minutes he had not returned so Charms friend drove off without him.

Christmas came and went uneventfully. Now we just have to hope the same for New Years eve.

The chair in the living room still stinks.

Nature or Nurture?…Proof at last.

18 November 2015

shed cat

Whilst Proton was in hospital a stray cat appeared outside Electrons shed. After a few days Electron took pity on the cat and began to feed it occasionally, but in time the cat began turning up every day. He continued to feed it and eventually began letting it into the house.

At first the cat was suspicious, only staying in the hallway and running out at the slightest noise. But slowly he became more confident, eventually getting to the point of curling up on the sofa alongside Electron to watch football on TV.The cat seemed to like the football; all those bite sized little men on a green background.

Proton finally got released from hospital to live with Electron in the shed. She had been informed about the cat and vowed that whilst recuperating it would not be allowed in the house. This lasted all of one day when the cat announced its arrival by leaping through the open bathroom window. Proton who has no love of cats loved Cat. Who wouldn’t?

This is a picture of Cat. No need to protect him with an alias. He cannot talk.

cat flowerSo the weeks went by and Cat made himself more at home. Proton & Electron began buying treats for him. Cat repaid this by sleeping virtually non stop. But he was a comfort for Proton whilst Electron was at work, just as he had been for Electron when Proton was in hospital.
He was after all a lovely cat.

One day Proton thought it would be nice to present Cat with a catnip mouse. It was hilarious, he had never moved so much before. Rolling and jumping and attacking the mouse with gusto. This provided great entertainment for both him and his keepers.
But thereafter Cat did not seem himself. He couldn’t concentrate and began to look lacklustre.

He then bit Electron!

To appease Cat they once again gave him the catnip toy but he appeared to have exhausted its supply of aroma. They would have to get him some more catnip.
This they duly did, Californian catnip, the strongest in the cosmos according to the blurb on the packet. The catnip was put safely high up in a closed cupboard and Cat was let in. Immediately sensing catnip somewhere, he leapt on the kitchen table, an area thus far out of bounds, in a desperate atempt to get to the cupboard.  The new catnip mouse was duly presented to Cat and the entertainment began. He could not get enough of it. Eventually the toy had to be taken away in order to return Cat to some sense of normality.

This seemed to take some time.

The internet seemed to imply the effects only lasted 10 – 15 minutes with the cat then losing interest for a few hours. Not Cat. He would persist for hours and then sit staring at his keepers menacingly, all co ordination seemingly having left him.

He only had eyes for catnip. On being let into the house he would make straight away for where the toy last was, even bypassing his food tray.
He began to push open doors in an effort to get to the drug. Even though the toy was not there the smell of it lingered and he was not leaving the room without a fight. He stared back at Electron with dilated pupils.

Then he bit again.

Cat used to be a mellow prescence but after just 4 weeks Proton has managed to turn a docile cat into an out and out junkie.
jess bongShe has had the same effect on a cat as she has had on her children.


flashing santa 2

Christmas is fast approaching and soon the question of what to do about the “Kids” will have to be addressed. So far this has not been discussed between Proton and Electron but the subject is hovering menacingly in the background.

All in their mid to late thirties, they still do not have the wherewithal to provide for themselves. The boys cannot even get it together to buy their mother a Christmas card. And every year culminates in a fiasco of one form or another:

Strangeness not realising it is Christmas Day.

Charm deciding to not cook the Christmas meal as promised because a bloke has turned up in her house share on Christmas day and she would rather be with him even though they have only just met.

Quark of course being totally out of it and wondering why everyone else is irritated.

Electron vows to himself that this will not be allowed to happen again.

Charm, at least will be out of the way at her grandmothers. She appears to be doing well having not had a drink or a boyfriend for 3 months….

21 Dec 2014

An early evening call from Charm.

Tonight she has hit the bottle again. She has been attending two separate AA meetings a week and has befriended two men, each with their own addiction problems. Both men have got the wrong impression of Charm and think she has amorous intentions. One of whom has asked her to move in with him, even though he lives in sheltered accommodation. Charm tells him that he has got the wrong idea, but he rings back 12 hours later to say that his ex-girlfriend has just died from an overdose so maybe Charm will change her mind! No wonder she wants a drink.

Proton talks calmly to Charm for 90 minutes on the phone and encourages her to return to her grandmothers house. This Charm promises to do and says that she will call to let Proton know when she gets in. The time is approaching 9pm.

11pm and still no call, Proton calls her mother but Charm is still not home. She tries Charms mobile but it is permanently engaged. She calls Quark and Strangeness to see if Charm is talking to either of them – she is not. That means she must be talking to some bloke.

off the wagonAn hour goes by and finally Charm answers her mobile. She does not know where she is exactly. Proton says she was worried and that she has been trying to call her for ages. Yeah right, you have been trying to call me. Electron can hear every word as Charm is now screaming down the phone. He makes a cutting motion across his throat; Proton gets the message and hangs up the phone. Now all phones in the house will have to be disconnected in order not to receive abusive calls throughout the night.

We later find that Charm got home safely but remembers very little of the nights proceedings.

An early shot across the bows?