Cat Interlude

thats not my name

The cat abides.

Turning up regularly as clockwork for food and disappearing ‘til next time.

Jessie Bunter now has a collar with “his” contact phone number written on it.

Just like he has “his” dishes, “his” milk, “his” ham “his” cheese and “his” bed – according to Proton.

Out of the blue one day, Proton & Electron receive a phone call asking them if they are the owners of a black and white cat. The term owners is pushing things with regard to a cat but they own up.

“ I just thought you might like to know where he spends his time all day?”

“We are intrigued. Yes.”

The woman on the phone explains that she has recently moved into the area and lives some distance away on the other side of the railway tracks in front of Electrons shed. She has 3 cats of her own and Jess likes to visit regularly and hang out with them on her patio, even sometimes sleeping overnight on or under her deckchair.

“You don’t want to keep him do you?” asks Proton.

“No. I’m already known as the mad cat lady” , she replies.

So Electron continues to provide the food daily.

Some months later Proton and Electron are sitting in the back garden, wondering where Jess is and guessing that once again he is over on what has become known as the Catio when, who should appear high up on the garden wall but the lad himself.

Suddenly, from the neighbouring garden they hear;

“Oh look, here’s Felix”

They have already learned that the neighbours on the opposite side know Jess as Santa, due to the white marks on his paws which look like snow on black boots.

To paraphrase a recent song;

They call him Santa

They call him Felix

They call him Pingu

 

That’s NOT his name!

 

 

 

 

 

The Timetable

May 2017

 

Its been over  18 months since Proton broke her hip and more than a year since Quark set fire to her house. The insurance claim is almost complete and she has finally got new carpets, sofas and curtains in her lounge.
But she is still living in Electrons shed!The Ultimatum came to nothing again.
She is living, but for Electron it is a half-life.
Always has been.
Even before her various illnesses and disabilities took hold, Proton was hardly a person of action.
Now it is far worse.
She accuses Electron of being hyperactive, he points out that he is merely active.
They argue daily.

Proton works to a strict timetable and this cannot be changed :

  • 8 – 9am get out of bed.
  • 9 – 11.30 – chain smoke and drink coffee whilst having an immediate opinion about whatever they are talking about on her favourite radio station, Fascist FM.
  • 11.30 – 12.30 prepare and eat her breakfast cereal
  • 12.30 – 2.30 – chain smoke whilst considering getting her dentures ready
  • 2.30-3.30  Clean and fit dentures
  • 3.30 – 5.00  Smoke and drink tea, with perhaps a little nap
  • 5 – 5.30  Get dressed!
  • 5.30 -6.30  Lunch
  • 6.30 – 10.30  Browse the internet with TV on in the background from 9pm
  • 10.30 – 11.30  Eat supper
  • 11.30 – 1.30  Watch Tv and smoke
  • 1.30 – 2.15  Unprepare dentures interspersed with smoking
  • 2.15 – 2.45  Get the final 3 cigarettes into her system before going to bed
  • 2.45 -3.00 Bed, and in the process invariably wake Electron up ( He tries to get to bed around 12 midnight)
    Repeat for the rest of her life.

Electron (who by the way no longer is a smoker) has his own timetable:

  • 8..00 am get up and ready for work. Prepare the coffee maker and make coffee for Proton
  • 8.30 – 10.00 Listen to whatever has flitted across Protons mind and to her views on Fascist FM
  • 10 – 6.30pm Work then return home, usually collecting various shopping items for Proton on the way home.
  • 7.00 pm Re-enter the shed, having been hit by the dense fug of tobacco fumes as he opens the front door and then squeeze past thee contraption that Proton erects her laptop on and the Kitchen countertops. Except when she is in the bathroom, she never leaves the Kitchen
  • 7.00pm Immediately on entering the kitchen, start listening to whatever Proton wants to talk at him about, and I emphasise AT. If Electron stupidly believes he is having a conversation and attempts to talk, the most words he can get out is 2 before Proton talks all over him.
  • 7 -10.30 Continue to talk at Electron, sharing anything that comes in front of her eyes on the internet whilst Electron prepares supper or sits on the uncomfortable chair at he kitchen Table. Proton sits on the sofa in the corner.
  • 10.30 – 12 midnight – Perhaps some respite from the incessant vocalisations of Proton as they both watch whatever crap is on TV.
  • 12 midnight – 1.30 Fight to be allowed to go to bed before Protons designated time. Go to bed invariably angry.
    Awake and repeat.

Meanwhile in Protons own home, Strangeness perhaps has a time-table

  • Some days, get up
  • Occasionally go to the free money office to sign for free money
  • Mostly sleep
  • Once a week when the library is open late – get more library books
  • Read books about white supremacy and islamic hatred
  • Sleep.
    Repeat.

THIS HAS GOT TO STOP!

Ultimatum Time Again

Feb 2017

Having spent nearly 2 months in a luxury waterfront apartment, courtesy of the Insurance Company, Proton has been living in the shed for 8 months.

Charm has returned to her Grandmothers.

Since August, baby boy has returned in order to sort out his flat and LIVE THERE. Initially allowed in his mother’s house for 1 night, this turned into 4 weeks. Only ending when Electron dropped in one Sunday afternoon to find Strangeness asleep and Quark (who had also been banished) sitting at the kitchen table looking as if he had been heavily indulging . Electron flipped, and immediately texted Charm:
“It’s all been a waste of time, Rip van Winkle and the Junkie are back in your mother’s house. WTF”
The next day they were both gone. Strangeness back to Grannies and Quark to god knows where.
Now Strangeness has been kicked off benefits, for missing various appointments , not surprising when your post is delivered to an address where you never visit.
He now has to sort this out. He has no gas, electric or water and no money. Electron still believes this should not stop him from living in his flat. It would give him an incentive to do something to sort things out. Proton is of a different view.

“He should stay once again in her house while he sorts things out, at least for another day as the months are getting colder. ” Even more reason to sort out heating thinks Electron.

So, Strangeness writes a letter to his landlord asking to be contacted on his new mobile phone (courtesy of Proton) and promptly turns his phone off for the ensuing 4 weeks.
Like his phone, he goes back to sleep.
No benefits arrive. Every week the same story,

“Maybe next Friday I’ll get the money and then sort my debts out………”

Protons kitchen is now infested with dry rot. Mysterious mushrooms are growing from the ceiling and all down the back door but this troubles Strangeness not. Proton is waiting for Electron to sort this out. Baby Boy cannot tackle the problem without full body protection and a face mask which he does not have (according to Proton) – although he does have these in his own flat, Proton having bought them for sorting out the wet rot in his own flat .
The mushrooms continue to grow.

For the past months Proton has been slowly pursuing her insurance claim for carpets, sofas, electrical goods etc, but this still has not been resolved. Like the rest of her family there is no sense of urgency about anything. The house apparently is still uninhabitable for her.

That’s what she thinks.
Electron thinks otherwise.
If her son can live there so can she. She needs to finally own up to her destiny. Like her mother before her, she will live with her siblings for the rest of her life.  That is what Electron believes. She just needs to own up to this.

this_way_out

All is not well in the shed.

Electron is sick of not being heard. Of having to put up with her boys behaviour. Of having to listen to Protons depressing views about anything that comes onto the appalling talk radio station she listens to all day. Of being talked at as soon as he walks into a room. Of having no relaxation time whatsoever. Of having to sit with every light in the house on. Of being told to go to bed when he is told, if he doesn’t fight to go to bed when he wants. Of putting in a 18 hour day every day and never having any peace to think. No quiet time. No life.
Its ultimatum time again, and this time he means it:
If her son (or sons, she does not know, nor care) are still in her house come 1st March, she will be taken back to her house to live with them ever after. Deliberately there is a word missing in that last sentence.

The word is happily.

Electron has given this ultimatum several times in the past few months and has been told that Strangeness will go to his flat. This does not happen and Electron always backs down. This time he really has no intention of doing so. Enough is enough. He has to reclaim his life. He feels he has wasted 24 years of it in this so-called relationship and can take no more.

The dying men, of his age, whom he saw on his hospital visits with Proton haunt his mind.

He has to start living soon.