THE FIRST SHOT ACROSS THE BOWS

15 December 2015
Coming home from work, out of the blue Electron begins thinking about the “boys”.
Strangeness isn’t too bad, at least he is mostly benign. It’s Quark. Quark is the  malevolent one.
On entering the shed, he sees one of the boy’s sitting in the kitchen with Proton.
Thank god it’s Strangeness. Proton is on the phone to someone, turns out it is Quark. Electron senses a problem… “What’s the latest fuck up?”
Proton shushes him.
What the hell, he has only been working nonstop for 8 hours.

He gets to work late these days as he has to prepare things for Protons day and hence has to work through lunch. He is tired and can really do without this shit.
Finally the call ends with Proton telling a crying Quark not to be upset, it’s OK etc. etc. She hangs up and starts crying herself. Quark is 36 almost. If it was up to Electron Quark would be crying all the time, mostly in pain.
It ultimately unfolds that Quark has yet again been doing some moving of things into the cellar to keep his mind off the fact that he hasn’t got any money to buy drugs. In the process has managed to disconnect the TV and broadband supply. This was some days ago but Quark could not tell his mother, in the end it got too much for Strangeness and he had to inform her….. In person.  Poor Quark says Proton, he was upset!???!??
In addition it has been noticed that the outside drain has become blocked and the back yard is becoming flooded. This is a common occurrence, one that Electron intermittently has to sort out with some rubber gloves and a stick. But Proton cannot let her children attempt to accomplish this themselves as they may get infected with a nasty disease! Quarks solution to this is to wait for a friend to bring some magic drain unblocking crystals around to deposit into the drain. Electron knows this will not happen. So perhaps eventually the boys will drown when the flooding gets too high. This prospect has not occurred to Proton.

slut media
But the most pressing problem is the internet and extremely expensive TV package that Proton provides for her beloved “boys”. They do not have the ability to pick up a phone and sort it out for themselves.
So now Proton has to sort things out, she phones the internet supplier…..Slut media.
But Proton has a problem with decisions, given a choice she cannot choose. Unfortunately the answering service only offers a choice of numbers and any chosen number leads to an automated message saying “we will now check your connection”, the connection which we already know is broken.

They try this 3 or 4 times with the same result. Electron finally steps in much to the annoyance of Proton. He phones and selects a number, the one you pick if you are thinking of leaving Slut media. The phone starts ringing!
He hands the phone to Proton who explains the problem. The Asian gentleman explains that he cannot deal with this problem but can transfer her to the relevant department…….. but first………” we have a special free upgrade just for you, we can upgrade your broadband to superfast, it’s a free offer”.
Electron has been caught out before with this “free” offer and knows it to be a con which eventually results in increased contract fees.

WTF. Proton is calling to explain that she has no broadband, it does not work, and they offer a faster service for something that isn’t working!
“Tell him NO” shouts electron.
This she does and is eventually redirected to someone who’s first response is to “test the Line” aarrrghhh!
Proton explains that the line has been disconnected and their tests prove this to be the case.
Eventually an “engineer is booked” and Strangeness is dispatched back to her house to await his or her arrival in 2 days’ time.
He is advised to be awake for the Engineers arrival and Quark is called and advised not to take any drugs before.
Pathetic.
The “boys” are beginning to bicker amongst themselves again.
Once again we are heading towards “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year” .
How will they ruin it this time?

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