Christmas Plans

Wednesday 23rd December

alc drug free

The stench of Protons house is still exuding from the reclining swivel chair which now resides in Electrons living room.

Charm has returned to her Grandmother and there has been no sign of the “boys”.
Both have been invited to stay with grandmother for Xmas and Proton wants to find out if this is what will be happening.
She calls her house but there is no reply. She calls Quarks mobile but there is no reply. She calls Charm.

“Hello mum. No I don’t know if they are coming for Xmas. Strangeness is still away in the country. I can’t get hold of Quark either. I gave him a new sim as he had broken the old one but he doesn’t appear to have used it.”

Ending the phone call Proton states “We must go over there”.
“Something could have happened to him”.
“He is probably high as a kite somewhere”
“Please take me to my house”.

No point in arguing.

They arrive at the house.
There is an upturned coffee table leaning against the outside wall next to the front door, through the lounge window they can see Strangeness playing video games.
They enter the still  reeking house.
“Hello!” shouts Proton.
A very stoned Strangeness comes out of the living room.
“Have you been here long”
“Not long”
“Where is Quark?”
“”Quick, check his room for me”
Strangeness shrugs and ambles upstairs to the black hole that is Quarks room.
“Not here” he reports.

Foolishly Proton enters the kitchen.
“Strangeness! Please can you do something about this mess.”
It is obvious that Quark stopped cleaning as soon as they had left the house a few days earlier.

Proton informs Strangeness that it is no good him and Quark blaming each other for the mess and thus nothing happening.
Strangeness mutters in agreement. She also informs him that there will be no Christmas money for either of them this year.
“I don’t want you spending it on booze and getting drunk and fighting with Quark like last year. And I don’t want Quark spending it on drugs”.
“Ummmm. OK”.

At last a semblance of confronting the facts by Proton.

Strangeness states that he cannot be bothered with christmas so will not be visiting his grandmother. Probably just sleep through it.

It later transpires that Quark was intending to visit his gran. A friend of Charm had arranged to drive him. But first Quark had to visit a “friend” on the outskirts of town near where Strangeness has his unlived in flat. Quark entered the “friends” house. After 45 minutes he had not returned so Charms friend drove off without him.

Christmas came and went uneventfully. Now we just have to hope the same for New Years eve.

The chair in the living room still stinks.


Cleanliness is next to Slobliness

sitting in the dark

It’s the weekend before Xmas and Charm has returned to briefly check on the boys and make sure that they are keeping Protons house clean and tidy. She also has some friends to visit. Unlike the others, Charm has friends outside of her immediate family.

On sunday, Charm arrives at the shed to visit her mother. They begin arguing within 90 seconds. Charm heads for the front door but Electron manages to persuade her to stay for a while, he could do with some moral support as he is sick of arguing with Proton by himself.
Things calm down, Charm reports that the internet is working again and that things in the house are okay.

“Are they keeping it tidy” asks Proton.
“Well are they”
“Not really”
“So are you going to tidy up before returning back to my mothers house?”
“I’m leaving in 4 hours, so No. Oh and there are no lights working on the ground floor”
“What! How are they coping in the dark”
“They are using table lamps plugged into the wall sockets”

Protons concern for her beloved “boys” knows no end.

“Are they there at the moment?” she frantically asks.
“Strangeness has gone off to see his daughter in the country and Quark is dozing in the lounge”.
It is 3 o’clock in the afternoon.
“We must get over there to sort things out” states Proton.
Who is this we? Thinks Electron, knowing the answer full well.

Charm phones ahead to warn Quark that they are coming and they duly arrive.

Quark dressed in shorts and T-shirt and wearing a Stetson hat answers the door.
(Obviously his body is overheating due to vast opiate and amphetamine use recently)
The stench from inside the house  hits immediately.
Proton breaks down in tears.
Quark suggests “a nice cup of tea”.

The kitchen is a scene of devastation. It does not look as if any washing up has been done since Charms departure some 4 weeks previous.
The new cooker hob is matted in what appears to be some sort of mouldering, fermenting mass. There are cigarette butts on the carpet and half a glass of something orangey yellow on the kitchen table, it could be urine.

dirty cooker

Through her sobs, Proton says;
“Why did you not tidy up while you were here Charm”
Charm? What has it got to do with her, thinks Electron.
“It’s not any of my doing”, states Charm
“But you said you were going to”
“I had other things to do”
And so on and so on, the boys make the mess and the girl is the one who is supposed to clean it up according to Proton. So much for feminism.
Electron looks out of the kitchen window. Despite Quark stating that the drain had been unblocked it is obvious that it hasn’t been. Electron dons some rubber gloves, grabs a stick and busy’s himself cleaning the mixture of cooking fat and hair from the grating. A five-minute job.He can’t help noticing the portaloo is still in the back yard but daren’t open it to see if it has yet been emptied, the odds are that it hasn’t been. He then returns to replace the blown fuse under the stairs. All the ceiling lights come back on.

Proton decides that she would like to take her reclining swivel chair and footstool back to the shed, amazed that it does not appear to have been damaged in any way.

Quark begins to look as if he is about to tackle the dirty dishes as they leave for the shed.


15 December 2015
Coming home from work, out of the blue Electron begins thinking about the “boys”.
Strangeness isn’t too bad, at least he is mostly benign. It’s Quark. Quark is the  malevolent one.
On entering the shed, he sees one of the boy’s sitting in the kitchen with Proton.
Thank god it’s Strangeness. Proton is on the phone to someone, turns out it is Quark. Electron senses a problem… “What’s the latest fuck up?”
Proton shushes him.
What the hell, he has only been working nonstop for 8 hours.

He gets to work late these days as he has to prepare things for Protons day and hence has to work through lunch. He is tired and can really do without this shit.
Finally the call ends with Proton telling a crying Quark not to be upset, it’s OK etc. etc. She hangs up and starts crying herself. Quark is 36 almost. If it was up to Electron Quark would be crying all the time, mostly in pain.
It ultimately unfolds that Quark has yet again been doing some moving of things into the cellar to keep his mind off the fact that he hasn’t got any money to buy drugs. In the process has managed to disconnect the TV and broadband supply. This was some days ago but Quark could not tell his mother, in the end it got too much for Strangeness and he had to inform her….. In person.  Poor Quark says Proton, he was upset!???!??
In addition it has been noticed that the outside drain has become blocked and the back yard is becoming flooded. This is a common occurrence, one that Electron intermittently has to sort out with some rubber gloves and a stick. But Proton cannot let her children attempt to accomplish this themselves as they may get infected with a nasty disease! Quarks solution to this is to wait for a friend to bring some magic drain unblocking crystals around to deposit into the drain. Electron knows this will not happen. So perhaps eventually the boys will drown when the flooding gets too high. This prospect has not occurred to Proton.

slut media
But the most pressing problem is the internet and extremely expensive TV package that Proton provides for her beloved “boys”. They do not have the ability to pick up a phone and sort it out for themselves.
So now Proton has to sort things out, she phones the internet supplier…..Slut media.
But Proton has a problem with decisions, given a choice she cannot choose. Unfortunately the answering service only offers a choice of numbers and any chosen number leads to an automated message saying “we will now check your connection”, the connection which we already know is broken.

They try this 3 or 4 times with the same result. Electron finally steps in much to the annoyance of Proton. He phones and selects a number, the one you pick if you are thinking of leaving Slut media. The phone starts ringing!
He hands the phone to Proton who explains the problem. The Asian gentleman explains that he cannot deal with this problem but can transfer her to the relevant department…….. but first………” we have a special free upgrade just for you, we can upgrade your broadband to superfast, it’s a free offer”.
Electron has been caught out before with this “free” offer and knows it to be a con which eventually results in increased contract fees.

WTF. Proton is calling to explain that she has no broadband, it does not work, and they offer a faster service for something that isn’t working!
“Tell him NO” shouts electron.
This she does and is eventually redirected to someone who’s first response is to “test the Line” aarrrghhh!
Proton explains that the line has been disconnected and their tests prove this to be the case.
Eventually an “engineer is booked” and Strangeness is dispatched back to her house to await his or her arrival in 2 days’ time.
He is advised to be awake for the Engineers arrival and Quark is called and advised not to take any drugs before.
The “boys” are beginning to bicker amongst themselves again.
Once again we are heading towards “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year” .
How will they ruin it this time?

Nature or Nurture?…Proof at last.

18 November 2015

shed cat

Whilst Proton was in hospital a stray cat appeared outside Electrons shed. After a few days Electron took pity on the cat and began to feed it occasionally, but in time the cat began turning up every day. He continued to feed it and eventually began letting it into the house.

At first the cat was suspicious, only staying in the hallway and running out at the slightest noise. But slowly he became more confident, eventually getting to the point of curling up on the sofa alongside Electron to watch football on TV.The cat seemed to like the football; all those bite sized little men on a green background.

Proton finally got released from hospital to live with Electron in the shed. She had been informed about the cat and vowed that whilst recuperating it would not be allowed in the house. This lasted all of one day when the cat announced its arrival by leaping through the open bathroom window. Proton who has no love of cats loved Cat. Who wouldn’t?

This is a picture of Cat. No need to protect him with an alias. He cannot talk.

cat flowerSo the weeks went by and Cat made himself more at home. Proton & Electron began buying treats for him. Cat repaid this by sleeping virtually non stop. But he was a comfort for Proton whilst Electron was at work, just as he had been for Electron when Proton was in hospital.
He was after all a lovely cat.

One day Proton thought it would be nice to present Cat with a catnip mouse. It was hilarious, he had never moved so much before. Rolling and jumping and attacking the mouse with gusto. This provided great entertainment for both him and his keepers.
But thereafter Cat did not seem himself. He couldn’t concentrate and began to look lacklustre.

He then bit Electron!

To appease Cat they once again gave him the catnip toy but he appeared to have exhausted its supply of aroma. They would have to get him some more catnip.
This they duly did, Californian catnip, the strongest in the cosmos according to the blurb on the packet. The catnip was put safely high up in a closed cupboard and Cat was let in. Immediately sensing catnip somewhere, he leapt on the kitchen table, an area thus far out of bounds, in a desperate atempt to get to the cupboard.  The new catnip mouse was duly presented to Cat and the entertainment began. He could not get enough of it. Eventually the toy had to be taken away in order to return Cat to some sense of normality.

This seemed to take some time.

The internet seemed to imply the effects only lasted 10 – 15 minutes with the cat then losing interest for a few hours. Not Cat. He would persist for hours and then sit staring at his keepers menacingly, all co ordination seemingly having left him.

He only had eyes for catnip. On being let into the house he would make straight away for where the toy last was, even bypassing his food tray.
He began to push open doors in an effort to get to the drug. Even though the toy was not there the smell of it lingered and he was not leaving the room without a fight. He stared back at Electron with dilated pupils.

Then he bit again.

Cat used to be a mellow prescence but after just 4 weeks Proton has managed to turn a docile cat into an out and out junkie.
jess bongShe has had the same effect on a cat as she has had on her children.