ELECTRONS INFALLIBLE PLAN FOR A HAPPY CHRISTMAS

22 – 24 Dec 2014.???????????????????????????????????????

Amazingly Strangeness has embraced the Christmas spirit (these words will come back to haunt Electron on New Years Eve). He has bought his daughter a present. Quite a nice rug which he hopes she will like – he will deliver the present to her tomorrow.

“If she doesn’t like it, bring it back here because we all like it” says Proton.

Makes a change for Strangeness to spend money on rugs rather than Drugs, thinks Electron.

The rug is duly delivered and his daughter is thrilled with it – a minor success.

Without any discussion with the kids, Proton has decamped to Electrons shed for the duration of the holiday period. They will have to fend for themselves.

It is unknown whether Strangeness is invited to stay for Christmas at his ex-partners house.

As for Quark, despite Electron urging Proton not to give him his normal £25 Christmas money and instead let him find something he wants and then buy it for him, Proton has given him his money. This together with the £25 from his grandmother means that he should be able to keep himself entertained in his usual way.

Proton and Electron are looking forward to a peaceful Christmas this year……..

Christmas eve, Charm (safely ensconced at her grandmothers house) calls to say that Strangeness is on his way back home. His daughter Lexi does not want him there for Christmas Day. She does, however want his brother Quark to come.

Talk about a spoilt brat. What Lexi wants, Lexi gets.

Proton calls Strangeness to see how he feels about this, to which he says “fine”.

It is of course not fine, it is F***** Up.

Proton returns to her house to discuss the situation with the brothers. She is of the belief that Quark should not accept the invitation and anyway it would mean a 15mile cycle trip for him, as the buses have now stopped running.

Electron, temporarily alone in his shed is overtaken by a very untypical bout of Christmas kindness, he has the solution:

If Strangeness can get himself invited back, Electron will drive him there on Christmas day. But only Strangeness, he refuses to let Quark in his car as he invariably breaks something, last time it was a door sensor.

The deal is done and on Christmas day Electron and Strangeness set off to the country.

Quark is in the back seat.

Electron is not being purely altruistic. With all of the kids out of the county, there may be some hope of a peaceful Christmas for Proton and himself…

Electron and Proton settle down in Electrons shed for a nice quiet Christmas, a delicious meal and lashings of wine happy each others company. Just two adults together.

The evening draws on and night, not to say early morning draws in, it has been lovely.

SUDDENLY:

“YOU! Get away from me, you’re just like all your family”, drawls Proton.

Uh oh, Electron had forgotten that despite the kids being out of the way he still has their mother in his midst. Is it nature or nurture? We are about to find out.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re gay”

“Okay” thinks Electron, this is an interesting development after 21 years together.

“My other 2 husbands were much better than YOU” she shouts.

“Perhaps, you should stop drinking now”, Electron suggests.

“Don’t you dare tell me what to do.”

Okaaay…..

And on it goes for 4 hours. Electron desperately trying to stop Proton drinking and chain smoking whilst she hurls tirades of abuse at him.

By the end of the evening, the cigarettes are no longer hitting their target, she has lines of ash down her cheeks.

drunk

Finally at 7 o’clock in the morning she is sitting snarling and shaking from side to side at the kitchen table saying;

“There’s something wrong, why am I shaking like this?”

“Time for bed”, suggests a tired Electron.

Eventually she climbs in beside him saying;

“Where are my kisses?”

“Are you kidding”, replies Electron.

So much for the infallible plan.

The Calm after the storm.

Electron awakes before Proton, gets up, makes himself a coffee and sits in the kitchen, reliving last nights madness.

Presently, Proton arrives and wonders why he has a thunderous look on his face.

“You mean you don’t remember?”

“No. What happened?”

Nature.

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