new start

1st January 2015

By 4.30pm Electron is concerned that he has heard nothing from Proton. Are they all still alive?

He calls, and Proton answers in a shaky, quiet voice.

“Everyone okay?”

“Yes, no further disruption. The boys are both still in bed.”

“Well get them up!”

“No, I just want some time on my own.”

“They should be made to get up and apologise, see you later.”

At 7.30pm Electron visits Proton. There is still no sign of the boys who are still in their rooms.

The plastic garden chair that Proton uses because of her bad back is smashed beyond repair. There is a metal bucket in the centre of the room: placed there to catch the water that leaks into the ceiling every time either of the boys has a shower. This does not happen with anyone else. Fortunately they rarely have showers. There is an upturned bicycle in the centre of the living room. The whole house feels lifeless. Not a home, more of a drop in centre for delinquents.

Electron has no desire to remain and tells Proton that he will be on his own in the shed this evening. Rightly or wrongly (probably wrongly) he believes Proton should be punished because of her kids.

Electron returns to his shed. He still believes that Strangeness should be made to get out of bed and should be apologetic for his behaviour. But if he thinks that he can just get up after his mother has gone to bed and start the New Year the same as he spent most of the preceding year, watching internet porn, he has got another think coming.

Electron opens his laptop and logs into Protons internet account. Child lock settings are changed to ON.

Strangeness will only be allowed to access sites suitable for the under-fives.

2nd January 2015.

Electron has to get up early for the dental appointment he has regarding his lost tooth.

Surprisingly, the dentist is able to save the tooth. He will not need to speak with a lisp for the rest of his life.

“There you go,” says the dentist, “you can smile at the girls again”.

“That’s what got me into trouble in the first place” jokes Electron.


HAPPY NEW YEAR……. Yeah Right.

knockinggreen0538The dead period between Christmas and New Year passes uneventfully in the shed. Apart from Electron breaking his front tooth off that is. No violence was involved. It looks bad though and Electron now speaks with a slight lisp.

There is still no sign of the boys. Several phone calls home are unanswered; perhaps they are still away in the country. Either that or they are permanently asleep.

Out of the blue on New Years Eve afternoon, Proton receives a call from Strangeness; he wants to come over to visit. On arrival he is quizzed about his and Quarks Christmas, but can remember very little of it. Turns out that the boys have been back in town for a few days now but for some reason did not hear the phone ringing.

The purpose of the visit is to borrow money in order to buy food for a celebratory evening meal for the 2 brothers. Money is handed over and Strangeness is despatched to track down some sirloin steaks and vegetables before the shops close.

Wishing him a Happy New Year for later in the day, Electron and Proton settle down for their own celebration.

The starters are consumed and the main course is about to be put in the oven when the doorbell rings.

It is 10.30 at night, too early for first footing.



The doorbell is quite insistent, Electrons heart sinks, here we go again.

On approaching the front door, to the backing of the still ringing bell they hear:



Electron opens the door to a very inebriated Quark, who flings a small knife onto the floor of the hall.

Your son’s a f****** killer.

Quark is ushered into the kitchen by his concerned mother; Electron can see blood stains on Quarks sweatshirt.

Quark is sat down on a dining chair while Proton tries to get him to remove his shirt to inspect the damage. Electron conceals the knife. Quark is babbling all the while but eventually the shirt is removed.

He has a superficial knife slash to his upper torso; his mouth and nose are bleeding but nothing to concern the emergency services.

Quark continues to babble and constantly falls off of his chair. He is upset and angry; he wants to return to kill his brother. While Proton tries to get to the bottom of things, Electron fetches a piece of timber studwork from the hallway for protection. He will sit holding this timber for the next 5 hours.

From what they can gather a fight between the brothers has ensued. Strangeness bought some rum on his shopping trip and shared this with Quark in the early evening. Strangeness and spirits do not mix well; spirits bring out his innate psychopath.

It is clear that Quark has had more than just rum, however.

“What have you taken?” asks Electron.


“Don’t give me that, you are always on something. What drugs have you taken?”


“Don’t be a f****** smartarse”, replies Electron raising the stud in his direction.

“Oxygen” he giggles as he slumps back into the sofa.

“You’d better watch your back Electron, he wants to kill you!”

How Oedipal.

Strangeness is called, he does not seem as out of it, but then he is a psychopath. He is unclear as to what caused this but admits sitting on Quark and headbutting him. “Not seriously though.” He is going to bed and has no intention of further hurting Quark.

And so it continues until midnight when Electron goes outside the house to watch the fireworks. He is later joined by Proton.

“What are we going to do with him? He is not staying here” says Electron.

“He can’t go home. He will kill Strangeness”.

“A night in the cells then”

“He’ll calm down eventually, I’ll take him home.”

“You can’t walk home, you have a bad leg”

“I’ll get a taxi”

On New Years Eve “good luck with that”.

They return inside to find Quark singing a delirious song;

“LSD, LSD plenty of acid for you and me….”

He continues babbling whilst various taxi firms are called. The earliest one can arrive is 3.15.

Only another 3 hours to go then.

By 3am Quark has come down enough to talk reasonably coherently and despite the imminent arrival of the taxi decides that he is walking off somewhere. His mother begs him not to go, but he is off.

Minutes later the doorbell rings, it is Quark again, “taxi is here” he says.

Electron, Quark and Proton are deposited back at her house. Quark immediately goes to his room. Strangeness is already asleep. Electron leaves Proton with her kids and returns to his shed, concerned that stray lit cigarettes may have been left behind. He will leave them all to it until daylight.

He has no desire to stay in a house where someone has vowed to kill him.


22 – 24 Dec 2014.???????????????????????????????????????

Amazingly Strangeness has embraced the Christmas spirit (these words will come back to haunt Electron on New Years Eve). He has bought his daughter a present. Quite a nice rug which he hopes she will like – he will deliver the present to her tomorrow.

“If she doesn’t like it, bring it back here because we all like it” says Proton.

Makes a change for Strangeness to spend money on rugs rather than Drugs, thinks Electron.

The rug is duly delivered and his daughter is thrilled with it – a minor success.

Without any discussion with the kids, Proton has decamped to Electrons shed for the duration of the holiday period. They will have to fend for themselves.

It is unknown whether Strangeness is invited to stay for Christmas at his ex-partners house.

As for Quark, despite Electron urging Proton not to give him his normal £25 Christmas money and instead let him find something he wants and then buy it for him, Proton has given him his money. This together with the £25 from his grandmother means that he should be able to keep himself entertained in his usual way.

Proton and Electron are looking forward to a peaceful Christmas this year……..

Christmas eve, Charm (safely ensconced at her grandmothers house) calls to say that Strangeness is on his way back home. His daughter Lexi does not want him there for Christmas Day. She does, however want his brother Quark to come.

Talk about a spoilt brat. What Lexi wants, Lexi gets.

Proton calls Strangeness to see how he feels about this, to which he says “fine”.

It is of course not fine, it is F***** Up.

Proton returns to her house to discuss the situation with the brothers. She is of the belief that Quark should not accept the invitation and anyway it would mean a 15mile cycle trip for him, as the buses have now stopped running.

Electron, temporarily alone in his shed is overtaken by a very untypical bout of Christmas kindness, he has the solution:

If Strangeness can get himself invited back, Electron will drive him there on Christmas day. But only Strangeness, he refuses to let Quark in his car as he invariably breaks something, last time it was a door sensor.

The deal is done and on Christmas day Electron and Strangeness set off to the country.

Quark is in the back seat.

Electron is not being purely altruistic. With all of the kids out of the county, there may be some hope of a peaceful Christmas for Proton and himself…

Electron and Proton settle down in Electrons shed for a nice quiet Christmas, a delicious meal and lashings of wine happy each others company. Just two adults together.

The evening draws on and night, not to say early morning draws in, it has been lovely.


“YOU! Get away from me, you’re just like all your family”, drawls Proton.

Uh oh, Electron had forgotten that despite the kids being out of the way he still has their mother in his midst. Is it nature or nurture? We are about to find out.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re gay”

“Okay” thinks Electron, this is an interesting development after 21 years together.

“My other 2 husbands were much better than YOU” she shouts.

“Perhaps, you should stop drinking now”, Electron suggests.

“Don’t you dare tell me what to do.”


And on it goes for 4 hours. Electron desperately trying to stop Proton drinking and chain smoking whilst she hurls tirades of abuse at him.

By the end of the evening, the cigarettes are no longer hitting their target, she has lines of ash down her cheeks.


Finally at 7 o’clock in the morning she is sitting snarling and shaking from side to side at the kitchen table saying;

“There’s something wrong, why am I shaking like this?”

“Time for bed”, suggests a tired Electron.

Eventually she climbs in beside him saying;

“Where are my kisses?”

“Are you kidding”, replies Electron.

So much for the infallible plan.

The Calm after the storm.

Electron awakes before Proton, gets up, makes himself a coffee and sits in the kitchen, reliving last nights madness.

Presently, Proton arrives and wonders why he has a thunderous look on his face.

“You mean you don’t remember?”

“No. What happened?”



flashing santa 2

Christmas is fast approaching and soon the question of what to do about the “Kids” will have to be addressed. So far this has not been discussed between Proton and Electron but the subject is hovering menacingly in the background.

All in their mid to late thirties, they still do not have the wherewithal to provide for themselves. The boys cannot even get it together to buy their mother a Christmas card. And every year culminates in a fiasco of one form or another:

Strangeness not realising it is Christmas Day.

Charm deciding to not cook the Christmas meal as promised because a bloke has turned up in her house share on Christmas day and she would rather be with him even though they have only just met.

Quark of course being totally out of it and wondering why everyone else is irritated.

Electron vows to himself that this will not be allowed to happen again.

Charm, at least will be out of the way at her grandmothers. She appears to be doing well having not had a drink or a boyfriend for 3 months….

21 Dec 2014

An early evening call from Charm.

Tonight she has hit the bottle again. She has been attending two separate AA meetings a week and has befriended two men, each with their own addiction problems. Both men have got the wrong impression of Charm and think she has amorous intentions. One of whom has asked her to move in with him, even though he lives in sheltered accommodation. Charm tells him that he has got the wrong idea, but he rings back 12 hours later to say that his ex-girlfriend has just died from an overdose so maybe Charm will change her mind! No wonder she wants a drink.

Proton talks calmly to Charm for 90 minutes on the phone and encourages her to return to her grandmothers house. This Charm promises to do and says that she will call to let Proton know when she gets in. The time is approaching 9pm.

11pm and still no call, Proton calls her mother but Charm is still not home. She tries Charms mobile but it is permanently engaged. She calls Quark and Strangeness to see if Charm is talking to either of them – she is not. That means she must be talking to some bloke.

off the wagonAn hour goes by and finally Charm answers her mobile. She does not know where she is exactly. Proton says she was worried and that she has been trying to call her for ages. Yeah right, you have been trying to call me. Electron can hear every word as Charm is now screaming down the phone. He makes a cutting motion across his throat; Proton gets the message and hangs up the phone. Now all phones in the house will have to be disconnected in order not to receive abusive calls throughout the night.

We later find that Charm got home safely but remembers very little of the nights proceedings.

An early shot across the bows?