21 May


Electron goes to work, extremely tired and it is a busy day. Typical.

He wonders when would be a convenient time to contact Proton. Noon is usually okay but there is no telling what time she went to sleep last night.

He returns to his shed immediately after the weekly lunchtime works meeting.

He calls Proton

“Hi, everything okay?”

“Hello, No, it was a terrible evening”

“I had your daughter ringing my bell at 6 am this morning; I hear you called the police”

“Yes she trashed the place, I was scared.”

The police came but Charm had fled to her own flat. As soon as they were told the name Charm they seemed to know where to go. On returning they said that Charm had told them that 7 pints of water were thrown over her. (This would be very time consuming as Protons taps deliver water very slowly.)

Gesturing to her surroundings Proton stated that this was nothing to what Charm had done.

Glasses smashed, a sofa ripped apart. The police leave, taking no further action.

Charm has already been in touch again today though.

At 1 pm she calls Proton:

“What are you doing awake? C***,C****,C***. I feel dirty knowing that I came out of you!”

She hangs up. Only to return to Protons house to kick aggressively at the door for 5 minutes or so – probably on her way to the shop to top up on alcoholic provisions.

What will this evening bring.



20-21 May 2014.

Foolishly Proton accepts Dickhead as a friend on Bookface thus giving her access to Dickheads information.


Back story:

Dickhead left when Charm was 18months old and she has never forgiven him. He left town for her entire childhood only to return when Charm was in her early 20’s. By this time he was about to marry a much younger woman who was pregnant by another man – isn’t that charming, obviously a family trait.

Once the baby was born he got in touch with a tentative letter to Charm & Strangeness inviting to meet them both. This they duly did, but it did not go well. The way they reported the meeting was as if Dickhead appeared to be merely showing off his new family and possessions wanting to impress as to how well his life has turned out. Neither wanted to see him again.


But Proton now had access to Dickheads Bookface page which included pictures of his new daughter, Lepton.

“Oh look Charm, here’s Lepton!”, says Proton. “Oh, she’s really pretty”.

“No thanks” says Charm understandably.

“Stop it” says Electron.

“She’s got your teeth. Wow, she’s got lovely legs, like you Charm.”

“Log out! Log out now” orders Electron.

But to no avail, Proton continues…

“Come and look Charm, she is your half-sister after all”.

“Why should I” replies Charm.

Everything is so simple when one knows which buttons to push, thinks Electron. This will not end well.

“I’m off to my shed “, says Electron, “I’ve got work tomorrow – good night and good luck to the two of you” and he leaves them to it.


All in a Dream: Electron is in bed with a beautiful dark haired woman, a bit like Proton, but happy. He is happy, content, relaxed cosy and warm but the alarm is going off. It keeps going off. He awakes to realise that it is in fact the doorbell.

What time is it?

6am! It can’t be the postman. RING, RING. Oh God maybe its Proton in danger.

No, she has a key and would let herself in.


Ok, OK. Quickly getting dressed and realising the beautiful woman has gone Electron approaches the front door.



“Mum called the police on me”.

“Well that was entirely predictable” says Electron.

Now, anyone who has seen the 1960 film “village of the damned” will hopefully understand what I am trying to portray.

With a very calm face and a soft flat tone to her voice, Charm slowly replies:

“That’s       What       You       Always       Say”.

Truly chilling.

VillageofDamnedFrightened, Electron closes the door in Charms face.

He returns to the shed, heart pounding. You know the feeling you get when awoken suddenly from a deep, deep sleep, Electron feels as if he is having a heart attack.


May 17 -20

All hands to the pump.

Quark and Charm have returned for the great move (Strangeness is probably having one of his sleep weeks). A back room on the ground floor has been emptied of Quarks previous junk to make way for the records and tools from upstairs.


Quark is attending a new initiative by the government which aims to get “young” people into work.

It’s called Tomorrows people. What are the other schemes known as? Do the older unemployed attend “Yesterdays People”. Seems a bit cruel.

All is going well, Charm is being Charming, Quark is reasonably together, things are getting done.

But we all know that Charm has not had a boyfriend for over 3 weeks and consequently everyone is stepping on eggshells around her.

On Saturday evening she announces that she has arranged to meet an ex of 20 years ago, in her grandmother’s town, just for lunch as “friends”. Both Proton and Electron are dubious about this. This is one of the things Charm does when unattached, she starts going through her back catalogue. A similar size to that of Argos. Maybe she does intend to be just a “friend” but seems strangely intent on ensuring that she gets back to her grandmothers by Tuesday no matter what help Proton needs.

With a potential replacement in the pipeline, Charm finally plucks up the courage to enter the shop where Neb#45 works, to buy her evenings supply of booze. He gives her evil eyes!

This will not do, after consuming the purchased supplies she is intent on re-entering the shop to have it out with him. But Proton & Electron manage to get her to desist. Electron points out that Charm had Neb#45 at a disadvantage, she knew she was entering the shop, Neb had no warning. This is borne out by a text from Neb after he finishes his nightshift reiterating similarly.

But his texts do not stop, they continue through the night varying between conciliatory to threatening – once again Charm decides to change her SIM card.

Now Tuesday, and Charm has not gone to her grandmothers but the cracks are beginning to show. Electron had found out that Charms 20 year ex is married with kids and despite telling Proton to say nothing … she says something. There is a slight ripple of anger from Charm but it subsides. Charm has her new SIM card and has unfriended NEB#45 from Bookface.

bkfacedwnIn the process of doing this, Proton discovers that she has been sent a friend request from her ex Husband, Dickhead… Strangeness and Charms natural father…………..


1-15 May 2014

tumbling vinyl

Quarks Stroganoff was ruined and had to be thrown away.

Strangeness has forgiven Proton and is once again talking to her.

Charm is lying low, staying with her grandmother, hiding from her ex.

Apart from one evening/early morning abusive phone call from Charm where she called both her brothers and mother all the names under the sun and would not let up until all of Protons phones had to be unplugged from the wall But hey, that’s quite normal, things have been reasonably peaceful.

Protons living room ceiling has begun to bulge ominously.

On further investigation, it appears that Quark has stored all of his heavy items in a single line in the room directly above. This consists of a vast amount of vinyl records. heavy tool boxes and large loudspeakers. Instead of placing these at the edge of the room they have been placed centrally….. and one on top of the other. Proton lives in an old house with old timber joist floors. The house was built before vinyl records were invented and obviously not designed for such loading.

Proton immediately contacts Quark who is also at his grandmothers. He rightly states that there is nothing he can do from 50 miles away, but will attend to things on his return, whenever that may be.

15 May 2014.

Electron receives a call at work from Proton, the ceiling has finally collapsed.

Luckily Proton had been avoiding this room since the bulge, only entering to open and close the curtains. The collapse occurred overnight so thankfully no one was hurt…. or heard a thing.

The great migration of vinyl from upstairs to downstairs begins.

Too Late.

The Endless Stroganoff

As predicted,  it all kicked off again:


Proton is watching TV and talking to Charm who casually states that she is going for a walk with Neb#45 tomorrow.

“So what about all that stuff about changing your SIM card and having nothing to talk to him about and not making the same mistakes”, asks Proton.

But it’s all too late; Charm is siding with Neb#45 again. An argument ensues resulting with Charm storming out together with her brother Strangeness who has naturally been browsing the Internet again. For some reason, Strangeness who was not involved in the argument says that he is not going to see Proton for 2 years and also storms off. Strangeness loves Charm.

Ho Hum, meanwhile the massively intoxicated Quark has been busy starting to cook his stroganoff.

Thursday 17th April

Proton bangs on Quarks door shouting that he has to come down to the kitchen and clear up the mess he has created. Initially Quark refuses to come out but when he does he moves the various pots of half cooked (how appropriate) meat and disappears out the front door with his bicycle.

The stroganoff is intended for a camping trip with Titania on Friday so he needs to return to finish it.

But quark does not return……..

“Good” Friday.

…….Not until today, when he appears once again in the kitchen but something is missing.

the bicycle thief“Where’s your bike”, asks Proton.

“I’ve lost it”

“What do you mean you’ve lost it?”

“I was up the park” (Where else) “and I must have taken my eye off it for a few seconds”.

“Well you should go and look for it”.

“I just spent the last 45 minutes looking for it”.

With that he disappears out the door.

When he returns much later it is early evening. He no longer intends to go on the camping trip with Titania because she is going with another friend who claims to be a hells angel and is proud of being a convicted rapist. Quark doesn’t like the “bad man”.  He is also due to pick up his prescription for the drugs he has to take to keep him off street drugs. However, they do not appear to be working.

The story of the bike theft has now changed. Quark turned his back for a few seconds and someone rode off with it. So why did he say he spent 45 minutes looking for it? None of this adds up.  But he now has another bike that he says was being stored at Charms flat.  The plan is that he will now stay the night with Proton (unlikely).

Charm is in her flat with Neb#45.

Strangeness has set off early to visit his teenage daughter and her mother in the country. Proton had to remind him it was Easter and as such the buses will be on a Sunday service. Otherwise he would have missed the bus.  Just like at Christmas when he was heading into town to get some milk when he received a call from his daughter thanking him for his Christmas present. It was only then that he realised it was actually Christmas day, the lack of traffic and the fact that all the shops were closed were not indication enough.

Quark continues to cook his stroganoff.

Tolerating Quark

Wednesday 16th April

After work Electron drops in on Proton to take her to get some fairy lights from a local DIY store. Proton loves fairy lights. He also has to deliver the boots that Strangeness eventually ordered from the Internet that had arrived at Electrons office.  Electron had to order them as Strangeness does not have a bank account. Driving on route Neb#45 waves hello from his car, he seems okay.

Quark, Strangeness & even Charm have all once again congregated in Protons kitchen. Quark of course is now living there.

Quark insists on relating his adventure of the day:

sensory gardenHe has had a call from his latest platonic female friend Titania. Both Electron & Proton know Titania from years back. She was a skanky alcoholic of extremely short stature then, but apparently has not touched a drink in 5 months. Still short though.

Quark says that early this morning around 8.30 Titania was walking her dog in the park when she stumbled across a drunken tramp whom she knew. Being a friendly soul, she naturally gave him a can of beer (as you do when you are no longer an alcoholic) together with some tobacco imported from Spain.

In time 4 policemen turn up led by PC Bully. PC Bully proceeds to confiscate the alcohol and tobacco, presumably as this has occurred in an alcohol free zone. One of those areas with signs showing a glass crossed out in red. Fair enough, especially as it was in a community sensory park for the blind, not the blind drunk. Quark claims that the police said they would only give the tobacco back if Titania could present them with her plane ticket.

This has got Quark all fired up, he begins to rant about living in a fascist state and insists that he is going to report PC Bully. But who to? The police. Good luck with that.

It would not be sensible for Quark to approach the police in his current state. He would only end up getting arrested. Not for the first time.

You are prepared to accept free money from the fascist state, thinks Electron, but says nothing.

Are you ready to go to the store he asks Proton, desperate to get away from the seriously intoxicated Quark.

They leave in due course. In the Car Electron asks Proton what the hell Quark is “on” today. Amphetamines, I asked him as it was obvious.

So now are you prepared to accept what I have been saying for months? I kept asking you to find out where his money goes (as if it wasn’t obvious).

“He’s not always that bad” she says.

“No, but he is always on something. Today he looks like he has had a stroke. The right side of his mouth is lopsided.”

“Is it, I didn’t think so.”

“He looks like those down and outs that sit in the underpass with their dogs on strings.”

“He’s not that bad.””

Not that bad! He is off his face. He looks like he hasn’t eaten much since Xmas”. “Lean and Mean” according to Strangeness. But he, as do they all, have some sort of vanity gene which interprets thinness with beauty. This is one of the reasons Proton ended up with Electron.

Quark will need to start wearing a second jumper soon. The one he has tucked into his trousers to keep them from falling down is beginning to lose the battle.

“He had a bad childhood.”

(Ah his childhood with his father in the States – that justifies everything)

“He needs rehab.”, says Proton.

This is a lead in to Proton blaming the powers that be for not providing rehab. But for once she doesn’t go there.

To get rehab you need to push (no pun intended) for it. Quark attends a charity that offers this service, but after 3 years of attending regularly only seems to return more twatted than when he left. He does not want rehab, it would give him nothing to live for.

The store is visited and the lights are bought.

Electron and Proton return to her house. Strangeness and Quark are upstairs in Quarks bedroom, doubtless smoking a joint.

Charm is at the kitchen table.

“Can we put the fairy lights out in the garden?”

“Not now, I’ve been on the go for 12 hours.”

“Tomorrow then.”

“Maybe. But not if when I get home from work this place is like a junkies drop in centre.”

“He’s not a junkie. That’s Heroin, he’s not on heroin.”

Not anymore he isn’t. But he is always on something, and to my mind a junkie is a junkie.

It’s like saying he’s not an alcoholic because he doesn’t drink beer.

Wiki agrees with me.

The tranquillity of the shed awaits.

Arguments are bound to ensue at Protons house

Quark Moves In

Monday 14 April/Tuesday 15 April

shed meal 2Quark is now living at Protons house. Perhaps now she will find out where Quark spends his money.

Unwilling to share another night in Quarks presence, Electron refuses to visit Proton to cook the evening meal yet again. Instead he invites Proton to his shed where they can get some peace.

Proton agrees and visits the shed for the first evening in years. A meal is cooked and eaten without interruption. Proton agrees it is nice and peaceful in the shed and the meal was perfectly cooked.

Later Electron walks Proton back to her place. Quark is out

He gets his unemployment/sickness money paid into his account on a Tuesday. As Tuesday begins just past midnight on Monday, he has to go to the cash dispenser at this time. If you are in a nice centrally heated house at this time of night, why can you not wait until the morning?

Turns out that he has arranged to meet a “friend” after he gets his payout.

The next day, Tuesday, at 6.30pm Quark wheels his bicycle into the passageway of Protons house.

It has been a beautiful sunny day but Quark has seen vapour trails from planes in the sky.

“Be careful out there, the sky is full of aluminium” he says.

“What are you talking about?” asks Proton.

“It’s well known that various governments have been pumping aluminium in the sky from jets. The Americans say it’s to counteract global warming. But it’s to poison all of the people on earth”

vap trails

This is a popular belief on various conspiracy theory websites:

But most rational people believe it to be absolute bollocks.

Electron accepts that governments certainly carry out dodgy practices, the war in Iraq, Afghanistan etc., for self-serving purposes. But the logistics of plating the sky with metal to reflect the sun’s rays just does not make sense. But check out the link and make up your own minds.

Quark has managed to acquire food. Food past its sell by date or from skips, but at least he has food. He intends to make a stroganoff tomorrow consisting of beef gammon and god knows what else. It is also apparent that the meeting with his “friend” late last night satisfied Quarks needs.

Quark is obviously slightly chemically altered but has not yet reached the rambling Syd Rumpo stage

persona ( he usually adopts at this stage of his inebriation.

rambling syd

Electron goes to his shed alone. Proton will cater for Quark this evening.

Chronicle of an Argument Foretold

Monday 14 April 2014

Screen shot 2014-09-02 at 9.02.59 PM.JPGElectron answers his phone at 3pm on Monday afternoon, its Proton:

“I should have listened to you”

“What time did you go to bed?”

“Oh it must have been around 7 this morning”

“So it all kicked off then”

“Oh yes. I should have listened to you”

“So where is everyone now?”

“Strangeness walked Charm back to her flat at 4 and he has now gone home. Quark has gone out,  he went to bed early and missed it all.”

“So what happened?”

“I started talking to Charm about how he used her as a mattress”.

(Neb#45 could only sleep by lying on top of Charm, I know, it sounds really uncomfortable doesn’t it).

Electron knows that this was asking for trouble, he did warn Proton after all.

The trouble is that after a few glasses of wine, Proton does not know when to let sleeping dogs lie.

Anyway Charm refuted this as the truth, by now standing up for her so called ex.

The end result being the usual storming out, back to her nearby flat, where no doubt once realising that she is on her own again will immediately be back in contact with Neb#45.

Or, God help us, the new Neb, Neb#46.

And to cap it all, Quark has decided to move back in with Proton while he looks for somewhere to live.

No longer able to cope with living with Strangeness and his crazy sleep patterns and black moods.



NEB#46 awaits

Sunday 13th April

Charm has split with Neb#45.


At the end of  a long week, Electron returns to Protons House to find the entire clan has gathered. Quark, Strangeness & Charm are all there. Charm has finally kicked Neb#45 out of her flat and says that their relationship is over. So everyone is rallying around for support. Talk about codependency. Everyone is staying at Protons house so Electron retires to his flat for a good night’s sleep. Predictably the clan retires to bed or settee around 7am on Saturday morning – but to date no arguments have ensued.

Saturday also passes by peacefully, Electron & Proton enjoy a nice pasta meal whilst Charm caters for her brothers. Charm has entrusted her phone to Proton, not wanting to read the incessant texts that Neb#45 is sending.

On Sunday afternoon, Proton & Electron take Charm to a nice waterfront restaurant to watch the world go by and to give Charm an idea of how pleasant life could be. Proton suggests that Charm draw up a wish list of what she wants in a partner, in a vain hope of getting her to set her sights higher for her next relationship. This is what proton did to ensnare electron. Charm appears in reasonable spirits, insisting that she is not going to make the same mistakes again. But she has begun checking her phone. Despite previously clarifying that “it is over”, Neb#45 wants 5 minutes to talk. Charm says that tomorrow she is going to change her SIM card but things are beginning to creak.

The clan share a Sunday roast together, but the tension is beginning to build.

Charm had dropped in at her flat with Strangeness to pick up some hair shampoo and other items needed for her stay with Proton. She doesn’t want to stay at her flat lest Neb#45 turn up.

Despite her flat being only a 5 minute walk away they were gone for almost 2 hours. On their return it was obvious that they had dropped into visit Daz, the local dope dealer, it was also obvious that Charm had managed to neck the 4 cans of lager she had bought earlier. Returning with a litre bottle of San Miguel in hand and a carrier bag of clanking bottles, this was not going to end well.

When Charm has been drinking it is like walking on eggshells. One never knows when she is going to turn nasty.  At 10 pm the warning signs are evident, the aggression oozes from her. Electron points this out to Proton who says she knows but thinks things are calming down.

Around midnight, sensing the trouble to come Electron decides to go back to his shed, advising Proton to go to bed soon thus keeping out of Charms way.