Quarks Present to Proton

9 April 2014 – Protons Birthday.

Proton has already received a Birthday card from her Mother together with a letter stating that her allowance is being cut by 50%. Talk about tactless.

Electron has taken ½ a day off work to share her happy day. Even though her day does not really began until 5 o’clock. She is happy with her presents from Electron but does not like the card. He thought it showed lovebirds but she thinks that they are facing away from each other.

Proton and Electron go out for an early evening stroll in the late sun. On their return, Quark unexpectedly turns up with the usual card bought by Charm and signed by all three of them. Even more unexpectedly he appears to have a present. This has never happened before.

He has been riding around on his bicycle with this bulky object wrapped in Christmas paper for the last 4 hours waiting for Proton to return. What could it possibly be?

With trepidation, Proton begins to remove the paper…. It is some kind of ceramic. First the white octagonal top of it is revealed. Followed by a gaunt ceramic female face with flowing yellow hair. She is wearing a white toga and is leaning back against and slightly wrapped around a cyan blue Greek column. The base of the column is white and decorated with pink hearts. It looks like a depiction of a Greek prostitute. It is hideous in its kitchness.

The sort of twisted mind that could conceive of such an item beggars belief.

The sort of mind that could purchase such an item, we are all too well aware of.

the gift

Proton immediately assumes it is something that has been used to smuggle drugs into the country. Quark is slightly put out by this, but laughs it off. Electron peels of the green baize beneath the base of the monstrosity. Sure enough there are traces of white powder but Electron reassures Proton that this is merely ceramic powder, nothing nefarious.

The object is placed next to the kitchen fire. The fire has a blue mosaic base surround. Strangely the ornament suits this location. After the initial shock has worn off, all agree that it is not too bad really and Proton begins to quite like it. Except when the light catches it from a certain angle, when it looks like an evil Kerry Katona (Is there any other kind?)

But it is the first present that Quark has ever given and for that we must be grateful. What on earth is he after?


Smothering Sunday

mothersday cardThe day passes with no card or flowers until 9.30 at night when the doorbell rings.

A dishevelled and chemically altered Quark is there, clutching a card. “Sorry it’s late, Charm was waiting for me to sign it”.

The card, bought by Charm is signed by all, (Strangeness and Quark do not believe in giving, though they enjoy receiving) – well it’s the thought that counts.

He has come from Charms flat and brings some news of Friday’s events. Neb#45 was apparently beaten up by three men from the local pub, but no one knows why. Seems they just took a disliking to him. Apparently Charm was in the loo at the time and when she came out, Neb#45 had gone. Anyway Neb#45 is spending the evening with Charm. His ribs hurt and they are thinking of going to A & E. (It ultimately turns out to be merely bruising).

Quark then decides that it is time to look for batteries in the room he occasionally uses as a bedroom and store. He goes upstairs stating “It won’t take long”.

After 1/2hr of rummaging he returns without batteries and decides that it would perhaps be wiser to look for them in the daytime.

All this time, Electron has been preparing and cooking a roast dinner, and is not pleased with the disruption. He hopes that it is clear to Quark that he and Proton wish to be left in peace to enjoy their meal.

Quark leaves empty handed to return to Charms flat.

Electron has lost all track of his cooking times.

10 minutes later the front door opens and in shuffles Strangeness clutching an opened bottle of wine (he is the only one entrusted with a key). Happy Mother’s Day Mother he slurs.

“Thank you Charm, but it’s now 10.30 at night, the clues in the title Mother’s DAY” replies Proton.

Strangeness reiterates the story of waiting for Quarks signature on the card and then requests that he use Protons computer to look for some boots on the Internet.

For f***s sake thinks Electron, he is always dropping in late in the evening to use the Internet, well I guess a man has his needs.

“No Strangeness, can you do it in the daytime, we are about to eat and we have only just said goodbye to Quark.”

“I know”‘ replies Strangeness, “I just saw him, he is down at Charms, it won’t take long”, he says and strides into the study where the computer is.

“15 minutes!”, Proton shouts after him.

The meal is ruined. Proton and Electron persevere in eating it but it cannot be described as enjoyable.

2 hours later, Strangeness is still in the study. “What are you doing in there” asks Proton, “have you found the boots yet?”

“Some”, comes the reply.

“Have you made a note of the sites and prices so you can order them later?”


Electron has had enough and says his goodbyes.

Proton opens another bottle of wine and in the early hours decides to confront Strangeness regarding the fact that she only sees Electron at the weekends and doesn’t he think that they deserve some privacy.

“It’s the family home”, he replies

“Yes but you are not a child anymore, you  have your own home.”

Strangeness slams the door key down on the kitchen table and storms out of the house for the 4 mile walk back to his flat.

Never to return????

Preamble to Mothers Day

Saturday 5th April 2014

Charms pretend boyfriend (Neb#45) has moved back in with his father and fathers girlfriend and so of course has Charm. They are living out in the countryside, some miles from the city.

Early Saturday morning the phone rings at 4.30am. It is Charm (It’s always Charm at this time in the morning):

“Mum, Neb#45 has gotten into trouble with three locals at the village pub, there is a knife missing from the kitchen and he is tooling himself up. I think he has gone outside.”

Ms. P desperately trying to wake up from her deep sleep wonders what this has got to do with her. There are after all 2 other Adults in much closer proximity, i.e. actually in the house.

Nonetheless Ms. P advises Charm to leave the house, get herself a taxi and come home to her city flat. Ms. P does not like Neb#45.

The phone goes dead.

Ms. P calls Charm, Neb#45’s fathers girlfriend answers and says all is OK but also thinks Charm should return home. We don’t think the girlfriend likes Charm.

After a worried and restless sleep at midday on Saturday, a concerned Ms. P calls Charm, she is with Neb#45 in his car outside the country house – they are not allowed to “smoke” inside.

“Is everything okay Charm ?”.

“F*** off! Bitch” Charm replies and hangs up.

And so another “drama” ends?

Dramatis Personae


proton 5 OOOOMs. Proton. An intermittently greying dark haired beauty with some disability problems. This means she has to rely on others for support. Tends to keep to herself and mistrusts those not related to her. Has an opinion about everything and is overly willing to share it.

She is made up of many components and at various times believes herself to be Irish, Cornish, Scottish … Celtic let’s face it …. or from London. Family tree has some indication of Germanic heritage but she refuses to acknowledge this.

In reality she is, as we all are, a child (sometimes literally) of the Universe  and that includes Germany.

electron 2MMMMr. Electron, Ms. Protons partner of 20 years and counting. A lean, not to say gaunt, aging, balding artist and borderline musician. Quiet and reserved until angered. The built up tension tending to make him SNAP!

Prone to sarcasm and cutting remarks but he finds it amuses him if not others- like boo-hoo. Works in what should be an interesting job in order to survive but is desperately looking for some form of escape.

Shares his life with Ms. P but has his own apartment (the most expensive shed in the world) to retire to when things get too much.

Deep down an observer of humanity and all that it entails.

These days this makes him rarely happy.


STRNGNS 2Strangeness, the eldest. Refined and eloquent but at heart an emotional black hole. Spends the majority of his time in an emotionless black hole of sleep, as much as 4 days at a time before awakening for a meandering burst of constant wakefulness (in dark glasses) before retiring to bed again. (much as the wibbly wobbly men of Spike Milligans poem).

Well educated but quiet (There are many geese waiting to be booed). However when esoteric, historical or military themes are broached, this reticence is punctured by pretentious verbosity.

A fence sitter by nature, he will not be drawn into taking sides, but deep down hates everyone to the extent of harbouring murderous thoughts.

But, to date, of course, no action.

charm 2Charm, the middle, female one. Strangely attractive to most who cast their eyes upon her. A siren, shape shifter and custodian of multiple personalities. Her nonexistent self-esteem means she stoops to pick up those whom she knows in reality are beneath her. Proceeding to take on whatever personality they are comfortable with until the alcohol brings out the personality they find they are uncomfortable with.

She then immediately moves on to the next one and like a baby chick attaches herself with limpet like tenacity to the first person she sets eyes upon.

QUARK 2Quark, the youngest. A wannabe boho hobo with chemical dependency problems. Generally he can be found in a public park in the process of losing something entrusted to him.  No concept of time space or responsibility. An inveterate liar, but with the requisite charm to make himself believable.  At least to those with blinkers.

Has inherited some of his sister Charms ability to deceive but does not abuse this gift, instead believing himself to be a helper. To some extent a genuine belief in that he is the only one to offer his mother some assistance, albeit usually at a cost.

Question: How do you know when Quark is lying?

Answer: His lips move.


All three particles are intelligent , articulate (when coherent) and good looking. As such they should have no trouble making their way in the Universe. However, none but Charm has ever held down a job, and then only for a matter of months.

None can drive, which you will come to realise is a godsend and none appear to have any practical attributes.

All look younger than their earth years, but maybe that is to be expected when you live a life of leisure.

But now they are all on the flip side of their mid-thirties and still there is no sign of them beginning to grow up!.


Large crowd smilingNEBULAE

The ever changing detritus to whom Charm becomes attached.

Many and various but all useless. Includes beaters, drug addicts, dealers, tattooists, drunkards and deadbeats. Other peoples partners, elderly pub landlords, Spanish janitors and gangs of boys on a night out.

And so on and so on.


The latest, Neb#45 is a 30 year old part time shop worker who has never quite gotten over the death of his “best friend”, a hamster.

Has replaced this loss with his 2 new best friends, a rabbit and cat (Kali and Foxy). Suffers from toilet phobia to the extent that he can only “mark his territory” in the local park despite having access to a functioning bathroom. Cannot stand to touch packaged toilet rolls being purchased in his shop. Randomly attacks his own car a la John Cleese in Fawlty Towers when the going gets tough.



And so our story begins……

Some Time after the Beginning

I really should have started this years ago,  so much has happened in the intervening time, most of which has been discarded from my memory… for reasons that should become clear.

There is a limit to the amount of insanity that one mind can healthily retain.

A pity because you really could not make this up.

Everything I will tell you is the truth (albeit as seen from my point of view).

Allow me to introduce myself, I am Mr Electron (E) and I met my long term partner Ms Proton (P) some twenty years ago. Obviously we were instantly attracted to each other.

I did not mind that Ms Proton had created 3 particles by 2 previous attractions. Quark, Strangeness & Charm  (Q, S & C) were all in their mid teens so I felt sure that they would not be of any great intrusion in our future lives together.

For sure, they would soon be on their way out into the Universe creating their own little worlds.

Wouldn’t they?……………